Another Loss

Where to begin? When we found out Heather was pregnant, it was wonderful and scary, we had so much fear of loosing another baby. This fear was one of the main reasons, if not the only reason that I had been resisting the idea of having any more children after we lost our son Asher. Then we found out she was pregnant with twins. I had not even considered the possibility of us having twins again, it took me totally by surprise. I was so excited, and so afraid all at once. And then came March 17th, a routine ultrasound that rapidly turned into a nightmare. We were told that "baby A" had passed away. They didn't know why. It would put "baby B" at risk though, risk of also passing away and risk of brain damage. With broken hearts Heather and I stood in the grass outside the hospital and I knelt down to tell the kids why we were crying. The brother they had not met yet was gone. I will never forget the tears in both of their precious little eyes. We hugged, I said a small prayer, a stranger passing by offered to get us water or anything we needed. I cannot tell you how much my heart ached for Heather during the following weeks. I could not imagine the pain of feeling "baby A" kicking on one side of her precious belly and the stillness of "baby B" on the other. Joy and heartbreak so close together as to be indistinguishable. We clung to God and to each other. Though the time that has elapsed now compared to the loss of Asher is much shorter there has been a difference in our response. After we lost Asher after 7 months with him, I feel like we shut down, went on autopilot. For me that meant just working whatever job I could find to provide a living, drinking more than I should have been and just trying to ignore the fact that we were deeply hurting and needed help. We never really talked about it, with anyone. If you were around us during this time please don't take this as a negative comment about you, I wouldn't have been able to talk to you honestly if you had tried. This lead to some really bad years, dark times that I wont go into here. During all this I would absolutely say that I believed in Jesus, but I was not following Him, or living for Him. Contrast that loss and those years with the days and weeks following the loss of "baby A" and we are different people. After years in the darkness we started pursuing our relationship with Jesus again. Heather and I have come through the darkness and we are now doing our best to follow Him. We have also been "surrounded" by so many people loving us and praying for us. We have been devastated but not defeated. We have been clinging to Him and asking for peace.

More to follow.

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7